he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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