I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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