there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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