I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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