the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
