ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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