I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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