My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
