My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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