I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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