you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
