she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
