party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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