rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
