anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
