just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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