So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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