I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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