watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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