What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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