I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
