i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
