shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize