Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
