Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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