Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
