i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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