My entire life is one complicated drinking game
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
