I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
