this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
