My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
