Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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