A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
