Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
