My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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