i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
