Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
