i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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