well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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