Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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