We won't sleep together?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
