i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
our cab driver is having phone sex.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
