I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
