you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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