Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
