I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
