Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
