I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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