you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
