she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
