I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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