Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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