I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize