CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize