I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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