my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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