Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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