if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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