He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
