I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
