I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
