You can't motorboat a personality
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you had me at cake vodka
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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