Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
