I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
