I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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